Photos and Thoughts: Casting Shadows

As a kid, did you ever make shadow puppets? I know I tried for years to make the perfect rabbit, and I was beside myself when my dad taught me how to make the perfect dog. For ages I thought that I made a very convincing cat, but it was really a jumble of fingers!

Shadows have always fascinated me. As a child, lighting candles to make shadows on the wall was a fantastic game. As I grew up, like the picture above, I found shadows made for pretty awesome photography!

The dictionary definition of shadows is: "an area where light from a light source is obstructed by an object." It is a place where light cannot reach. Metaphorically, it is quite a bleak place. If you have ever studied English Literature at school, you will have read countless times about shadows being a "foreboding presence". In Macbeth, shadows are used to hint at dark memories and sinful acts, yet they are distant and not tangible "Out out, brief candle! Life is but a walking shadow..." (Act5, Scene 5) - it is an illusion, yet one that stays with you, and never leaves. The candle will never fail to show the shadows you try to hide from (sorry, got a bit carried away there! Macbeth is my favorite Shakespeare play!). In episodes of Charmed, shadows are the messengers of the underworld, making sure that the word of evil deeds reaches all ears. Again, they are the ones that remember the bad doings.

Yet, I still quite like shadows.It may be dark, and slightly ominous given that you cannot see anything about it but the black outline. There is something beautiful about a silhouette, the way it shows nothing more and nothing less than the outline. It isn't tainted by decoration or by clothes to hide the real thing. It just is what it is. The shadows, for me, prove that there is light there. They prove that something beautiful is out there, and it has hit me, casting an image for me to see.

When you look at the shadows above, what is you first thought? Is it positive or negative?  Are they shadows of your past, or shadows from light?




Image from: http://painfulsilences.tumblr.com/post/93135406546

It's got a CD player!!

So, this year will be my 17th year in attendance of a holiday club affiliated with my church. I have done it since I was 4 years old, since 13 as a helper, and for the last 5 years have led my own groups of children, and have been a cooridnator. Every year we have a theme: Olympics; Saints; Circus; Trains...you name it, we have probably done it!

This year the theme is communication and technology - coming up with craft activities has been difficult! Whilst I have been planning with my fellow leader and bestie, L, I started to think about the differences between myself and the children I would be working with when approaching this theme. When I was about 7, at the holiday club we did a similar sort of theme (I was in the group 'Computer Chips' XD), and in just over a decade, what we were focusing on then would be deemed ancient history now! Looking back on what I used to own, or used, makes me laugh, when I remember how big it was, or how slow things seemed.

Inspired by a recent Kid's React video by the FineBros (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PF7EpEnglgk), I thought I would (attempt!) to look back a bit on my past, and see what my technology/communication firsts were, and look at how things have changed since I was small, and how children now would look at them!



1) First word: "Dada" - it really annoyed my mum!
2) First book: I don't actually know. Me and my Dad read a lot when I was small. I suppose, independently, it was one of the Biff, Chip and Kipper books!

3) First Computer: I remember when I was very small, we had an Acorn computer (I know, I'm old!). I managed to break it by checking to see if it was magnetic...oops!
4) First laptop: I didn't get my first laptop until I was 16. As part of our sixth-form program, the school paid half for a netbook laptop. Mine didn't last long. It broke pretty much after a year. I did not like it. It didn't have microsoft on it, and I really despise open office! Though, if we are being technical, my first laptop was a VTech.
5)  First computer game: Lemmings on the Acorn. The game gave me nightmares. The floppy disk (yes, you read that correctly!) that had the game on had a glitch, whereby when it loaded, the screen would freeze on a Grandpa Lemming telling a story to the children Lemmings, and they all turned to look at you. And they stared! Blinking occasionally...it was creepy!

6) First console: I never had one. I had a GameBoy Advanced if that counts!
7) First mobile: It was a brick! It had an aerial, you couldn't text, and only 1 ringtone! Back in the day! 
8) First internet provider: Dial-up AOL. I do kinda miss the dial up tone, and the voice telling me "you have email"
9) First email: To my Godfather - he still hasn't answered me!
10) First letter: To my cousin when we tried being pen pals for all of a months!
11) First cassette: Yes, you read that correctly! It must have been Deeper Shade of Blue by Steps!
12) First CD: I genuinely can't remember! My dad used to buy me the number 1 single on my birthday every year, and on my actual birthday it was The Bluebells "Young at Heart"
13) First video: Sleeping Beauty. Started my Disney obsession, and I think was a hint from my parents that never quite came to be!
14) First DVD: The Incredibles. It was a birthday present the first birthday after purchasing a DVD player. Have got better since!

How much has changed!
What do you think? Do you feel old compared to your technology firsts? Do you feel like a late comer to some of the newer tech? I know I do!

S x

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend...

So, this post is mainly for me to get things off my chest, but I hope that maybe it will help someone else too.

I have just lost a friend. Not to death or moving away, but we are no longer in the friend category.
And it hurts. It really hurts.

I feel a little betrayed. I won't go into details, that's not fair to them, but I feel our relationship was unequal. I spent over a year being the best friend I could be: emotional support, a rock, making them laugh. I stayed up all night with then when they were sick, and hugged them when they cried.

However, if I needed that in return, I didn't feel I got it. I could cry, and I would be left to do so. If I was ill, there was no sympathy.

She seemed to get better, and I thought it would be ok. We moved house, she got a boyfriend, we all seemed more relaxed and happy. I had high hopes for the year ahead.

But things got worse. Not only was friendship not returned, but I never saw her. She would be in her room all the time, she never spoke to me when she passed me by, even when I spoke to her. Her boyfriend tried to get us together, but she never seemed to want to hang out.

I should put in here, as some may think, this is nothing to do with the boyfriend. Her behaviour was difficult before him, and it was gradually getting more isolated anyway. He is not controlling or mean, and I just wanted to rule that out in your minds.

Yet I'm left feeling this is my fault. At least, that is the impression I get from her attitude towards me. But I can't work out what I have done. I get an intense feeling of annoyance heading my way, and it hurts a lot. I have tried asking what it is, but I don't get a proper answer. Ever.

I have decided to give up trying. I feel I have done all I can. I will no longer take the flack for something I haven't done, and I am done with crying over something that is clearly one-sided.

If something doesn't work, try and fix it. But there is only so many times you can stick it together with tape before having to admit that it is defective.

If someone is hurting you, don't make yourself worse by slaving away at them. You get drained, and lead to feeling down and guilty about something that isn't your fault.

However, though I am not going to actively try and recover this, I am going to leave the door open for her. If she wants us to be friends, then she will have to make the first move. I believe in giving people second chances, so, I will wait. The door is not closed, but its ajar. I won't wait, but I will be ready if she comes and opens the door...

Remember me?

Myself and my boyfriend decided that we don't read enough. And that is true. I always start reading a book, then something gets in my way, I find the book again and completely forget what I have read. I'm pretty sure I have tried to read A Room With A View at least 5 times!
So the other night I picked up a book from my shelf. Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella. Its about a woman who wakes up after a car crash to find she has lost the memory of the last 3 years of her life, but in that time she has married a millionaire, has been heavily promoted, and looks stunning. Literally living the dream!
But is it? The character in the book finds she has all this stuff, but has lost her friends, and is in a marriage that doesn't make her happy. Everything she loves to do she no longer does. She has lost herself.

Is it worth is? Is all that material worth worth it?

I believe its not. Nothing is worth giving up your happiness for. No amount of money, job, or person is worth as much as your happiness.

I know for a fact that having a million pounds would be lovely! All the gadgets I could have and a lovely size house to live in. But if that came at the cost of the people I love, I wouldn't do it. Nor would I want to give up the things I love.

Everyone deserves happiness, if only to keep us from getting ill mentally. It keeps us steady. You need your friends for those times you don't feel steady.

If you were to wake up like that, would would be the top 5 things you'd miss?

1) My family. My little sister makes my world, and my parents are my rock. If they were lost to me, I would definately crumble.
2) My boyfriend. I give him so much credit for helping me through some very emotional times. He is the love of my life, and if he isn't in my life, my smile would surely be gone.
3) Friends. My friends give me a reason to get up in the morning. They make me laugh. They share my interests. They pick me up when I'm down, and they provide me with opportunities to go out and see the world. Being stuck in your own world closes you off, and friends help you break free.
4) My job. I love my job so much, and I don't think I could leave it. I work for a special needs play scheme, and it is one of the best things in my life. I love the children, my co workers, and the good it does for the families of those special children. Special needs aid is something I'm very passionate about, and doing my bit is something I would never stop.
5) My cat. I know it sounds silly, but that little bundle of fur is a joy to come back to.

I have confidence in sunshine...

I was looking through facebook, as I procrastinated from doing my uni work, and a friend of mine had posted a status, highlighting to the world that he had an exam today.

However, it wasn't the normal statuses you see, such as:

"Ergh, exams"
"Only 5 days of sorrow left"
"I have seriously not revised enough!"
"Life is so unfair"

Over the last few weeks, those are the kinds of messages I have seen constantly pop up on my news feed. Yet, my friend chose a different sentiment:

"Bring it on!"

He was inspired by Psalm 20:7 - "some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God"

Now, I have very little confidence in myself with anything, to the point where I procrastinate from working to stop feeling like such a failure (then feel worse later for being lazy etc etc). I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in my late teens. There are a million and one places I would rather be than an exam room.

But God bless me with gifts. He blessed me with the passion to do my degree, the mind to succeed at it, and the will to carry on. I can do anything with him on my side. I trust that he will stand beside me as I face my demons, even if they are as insignificant in the long run as writing an essay on a piece of paper quickly.

So, I might not have confidence in me, to contradict Maria Von Trapp, but I do have confidence in the man who creates the sunshine and rain, so it is fair to say, I am in good hands. So, I shall go into my exams singing the song from The Sound of Music, and praise the Lord for his confidence in me, if only to help me go into it with a smile, and feeling a little less wound up!

S x

"I just thank you, Father, for making me me"

I am who I am. I am not you. I am not him or her. I am me.

However, it must be acknowledged that I cannot take all the credit for me being me. I probably have some of you to thank for making me me. Family, friends, experiences, highs, lows - they all helped to make me.

I'm not anyone extraordinary. I am pretty average. British citizen, student at university, stable family, one sibling, two cats, 3 bed house with a garden...nothing strikes me out as being extraordinary.

However, my faith teaches me that I am an individual. I am special. I am important and extraordinary. No one could live my life except me. That makes me the expert!

Here I hope to outline those little things that go into making me, past things, current things, possible future things.
If you want to read on, do. If you don't, that's fine. I write this mainly for me, but if it gives you pleasure, who am I to judge the making of you!

S x