Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend...

So, this post is mainly for me to get things off my chest, but I hope that maybe it will help someone else too.

I have just lost a friend. Not to death or moving away, but we are no longer in the friend category.
And it hurts. It really hurts.

I feel a little betrayed. I won't go into details, that's not fair to them, but I feel our relationship was unequal. I spent over a year being the best friend I could be: emotional support, a rock, making them laugh. I stayed up all night with then when they were sick, and hugged them when they cried.

However, if I needed that in return, I didn't feel I got it. I could cry, and I would be left to do so. If I was ill, there was no sympathy.

She seemed to get better, and I thought it would be ok. We moved house, she got a boyfriend, we all seemed more relaxed and happy. I had high hopes for the year ahead.

But things got worse. Not only was friendship not returned, but I never saw her. She would be in her room all the time, she never spoke to me when she passed me by, even when I spoke to her. Her boyfriend tried to get us together, but she never seemed to want to hang out.

I should put in here, as some may think, this is nothing to do with the boyfriend. Her behaviour was difficult before him, and it was gradually getting more isolated anyway. He is not controlling or mean, and I just wanted to rule that out in your minds.

Yet I'm left feeling this is my fault. At least, that is the impression I get from her attitude towards me. But I can't work out what I have done. I get an intense feeling of annoyance heading my way, and it hurts a lot. I have tried asking what it is, but I don't get a proper answer. Ever.

I have decided to give up trying. I feel I have done all I can. I will no longer take the flack for something I haven't done, and I am done with crying over something that is clearly one-sided.

If something doesn't work, try and fix it. But there is only so many times you can stick it together with tape before having to admit that it is defective.

If someone is hurting you, don't make yourself worse by slaving away at them. You get drained, and lead to feeling down and guilty about something that isn't your fault.

However, though I am not going to actively try and recover this, I am going to leave the door open for her. If she wants us to be friends, then she will have to make the first move. I believe in giving people second chances, so, I will wait. The door is not closed, but its ajar. I won't wait, but I will be ready if she comes and opens the door...

Remember me?

Myself and my boyfriend decided that we don't read enough. And that is true. I always start reading a book, then something gets in my way, I find the book again and completely forget what I have read. I'm pretty sure I have tried to read A Room With A View at least 5 times!
So the other night I picked up a book from my shelf. Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella. Its about a woman who wakes up after a car crash to find she has lost the memory of the last 3 years of her life, but in that time she has married a millionaire, has been heavily promoted, and looks stunning. Literally living the dream!
But is it? The character in the book finds she has all this stuff, but has lost her friends, and is in a marriage that doesn't make her happy. Everything she loves to do she no longer does. She has lost herself.

Is it worth is? Is all that material worth worth it?

I believe its not. Nothing is worth giving up your happiness for. No amount of money, job, or person is worth as much as your happiness.

I know for a fact that having a million pounds would be lovely! All the gadgets I could have and a lovely size house to live in. But if that came at the cost of the people I love, I wouldn't do it. Nor would I want to give up the things I love.

Everyone deserves happiness, if only to keep us from getting ill mentally. It keeps us steady. You need your friends for those times you don't feel steady.

If you were to wake up like that, would would be the top 5 things you'd miss?

1) My family. My little sister makes my world, and my parents are my rock. If they were lost to me, I would definately crumble.
2) My boyfriend. I give him so much credit for helping me through some very emotional times. He is the love of my life, and if he isn't in my life, my smile would surely be gone.
3) Friends. My friends give me a reason to get up in the morning. They make me laugh. They share my interests. They pick me up when I'm down, and they provide me with opportunities to go out and see the world. Being stuck in your own world closes you off, and friends help you break free.
4) My job. I love my job so much, and I don't think I could leave it. I work for a special needs play scheme, and it is one of the best things in my life. I love the children, my co workers, and the good it does for the families of those special children. Special needs aid is something I'm very passionate about, and doing my bit is something I would never stop.
5) My cat. I know it sounds silly, but that little bundle of fur is a joy to come back to.

I have confidence in sunshine...

I was looking through facebook, as I procrastinated from doing my uni work, and a friend of mine had posted a status, highlighting to the world that he had an exam today.

However, it wasn't the normal statuses you see, such as:

"Ergh, exams"
"Only 5 days of sorrow left"
"I have seriously not revised enough!"
"Life is so unfair"

Over the last few weeks, those are the kinds of messages I have seen constantly pop up on my news feed. Yet, my friend chose a different sentiment:

"Bring it on!"

He was inspired by Psalm 20:7 - "some trust in chariots, and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God"

Now, I have very little confidence in myself with anything, to the point where I procrastinate from working to stop feeling like such a failure (then feel worse later for being lazy etc etc). I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in my late teens. There are a million and one places I would rather be than an exam room.

But God bless me with gifts. He blessed me with the passion to do my degree, the mind to succeed at it, and the will to carry on. I can do anything with him on my side. I trust that he will stand beside me as I face my demons, even if they are as insignificant in the long run as writing an essay on a piece of paper quickly.

So, I might not have confidence in me, to contradict Maria Von Trapp, but I do have confidence in the man who creates the sunshine and rain, so it is fair to say, I am in good hands. So, I shall go into my exams singing the song from The Sound of Music, and praise the Lord for his confidence in me, if only to help me go into it with a smile, and feeling a little less wound up!

S x

"I just thank you, Father, for making me me"

I am who I am. I am not you. I am not him or her. I am me.

However, it must be acknowledged that I cannot take all the credit for me being me. I probably have some of you to thank for making me me. Family, friends, experiences, highs, lows - they all helped to make me.

I'm not anyone extraordinary. I am pretty average. British citizen, student at university, stable family, one sibling, two cats, 3 bed house with a garden...nothing strikes me out as being extraordinary.

However, my faith teaches me that I am an individual. I am special. I am important and extraordinary. No one could live my life except me. That makes me the expert!

Here I hope to outline those little things that go into making me, past things, current things, possible future things.
If you want to read on, do. If you don't, that's fine. I write this mainly for me, but if it gives you pleasure, who am I to judge the making of you!

S x